It’s been nothing but work, work, work here at The Interrupteds, and not the writing kind. But I did manage to eke out a column this month….
As seen in the Ahwatukee Foothills News:
There’s a tiger in my kitchen, and she refuses to leave.
Back in January, when Amy Chua published her parenting manifesto, “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother” I thought to comment on it, but figured that this was going to be a one-month wonder.
But Chua will not go away. She’s been on a renewed media campaign lately to reinforce that denying her children playdates, sleepovers, television, and computer games was maybe not the best idea but gives us all the clear impression that, if you’re gonna screw up your kids, do it her way so that they turn into Yale graduates.
Chua’s two daughters weren’t permitted to be anything less than #1 in their class in any core school subject. When one of the girls resisted practicing a difficult piano piece, she was denied food, water, or bathroom breaks until she demonstrated proficiency.
All this was done so that the girls would get into a good college, which according to Chua means that they’ll definitely get a good job, which means they’ll definitely be a success, which means they’ll definitely be happy. Or at least rich enough to afford the therapist they’re gonna need to help them be in the same room with a baby grand without wetting their pants.
There’s a world of wrong in that logic chain, but the greatest wrong is in the recent media claims that even as I reject Chua’s parenting style, I am envious of her and her violin-playing, straight A-earning results. That I suspect, deep down, that I (a Koala Mother?) am turning my children into crack addicts with my permissive ways.
I think not.
When my own strict parents were laying down some serious parenting on my recalcitrant teenaged attitude, they would invariably lead with the time-honored standard, “This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you.” Which we kids understood to be patently false. There is no way that grounding me for a week was going to cause them more pain than me.
But Tiger Parenting could actually hurt me worse than it hurts my child. Threatening to burn all her stuffed toys if practice doesn’t go well, or calling her “fatty” if she gains weight shapes me into something I don’t want to be, even if she stays a perpetual size 2 because of my commentary. Spewing that kind of cruelty poisons the spewer as badly as it hurts the spew-ee.
I will sacrifice much for my children, but I will not turn myself into a monster on the chance they’ll earn $500,000 a year if I do.
Childhood is not a dress rehearsal. It’s not like we, the parents, are given a lump of clay we can abuse and stress test until it turns 18 and then all the trauma will be forgiven and forgotten when Lumpy checks into Harvard. Harvard doesn’t generally admit kids because they’re good at forgetting things.
I’ll confess: there have been times when turning a lighter on a Tickle Me Elmo looked like an attractive option; not for punishment, but just to shut him up. But I think twice about being deliberately cruel to a child who is required to be respectful to me and so cannot respond in kind, and, coincidentally, will be picking out my nursing home.
Presumably before his memory goes.
© E. Stocking Evans
Mom, Interrupted 
I tried to share this to Facebook, but it said content was flagged. Not sure why – so I’ve ‘liked’ you with my WordPress account (I have no blog, yet!). This is Ruth G. 🙂
I tried to share it and it worked. But maybe it was because it knows I’m its Mommy. Maybe you can share my share?
Well said! I want to give my kids a zest for life. I am hoping that they will want to get out in the world and do things. But I am not going to “beat” them into submission. That said, I will make them follow through on any committments they make. But I won’t choose those committments for them.
I don’t always go after their commitments, as it turns out. I think there’s value in letting them figure out early on what happens when they let others down.
Of course, I always preach and try to model the commitment thing.
Sadly, I think most people have missed the point of the article and the book. Western mothers everywhere are taking except to things that have never been said. It’s strange, and saddening that we are so defensive of ourselves that we can’t open our ears.
Amy Chua has said time and time again: “If I could push a magic button and choose either happiness or success for my children, I’d choose happiness in a second.”
Perhaps you need to give it another read. (and her book, which is not a parenting book, but a memoir – strange that all the western mothers look at her and cross their arms as if shes telling you what to do….she’s not)
No, I get it that it’s a memoir, technically. I get it that she regrets pushing them like that. And I don’t ‘cross my arms’ and close my ears at her words, because I’m pretty secure in how I’m raising my kids. This blog and my column are aimed primarily at issues surrounding parenting, so this is an obvious thing for me to comment on, for one thing.
What is….unattractive about this latest media push is that it is crystal clear that Chua is defensive about her methods. And it is also crystal clear, even on the re-reads, that even while she’s not promoting her methods, technically, she still thinks that messing your kids up for success’ sake was at least a reasonable goal.
I invite you to read this interview with Chua. These are not the words of a woman who really believes she made a mistake and is writing about it; these are the words of a woman who thinks she was really doing the right thing: http://healthland.time.com/2011/01/11/chinese-vs-western-mothers-q-a-with-amy-chua/
So, my comments stand. I don’t care what she thinks about my style of parenting. I find it insanely funny that she doesn’t see that her method is not just helicopter parenting, but Apache attack helicopter parenting. And if she’s gonna put this stuff out there she’s going to have to take the flak along with the book sales.