First off, I want to say that, if you have the opportunity and do not avail yourself of the service, I think you should reconsider, because this has saved my life over the years.

I am speaking, of course, of ordering your groceries online.

I use Safeway, and it works like this:

I work up my grocery list (no small task in itself, either, what with the meal planning and the recipe dissection).

Then I sit down, put my feet up, and plug in a movie or an NCIS episode. (That’s an important part, because this is so much better because I can shop and put my feet up.)

I go through Safeway’s very helpful site and order the groceries. If I’d like, I can see everything I ever bought (in-store or out) with my club card, and then just re-select the items I like. If I can’t ‘find’ an item, I merely type words into the search function and they show me everything that matches. Which is infinitely better than wandering the store looking for Bueno Red Chile Sauce.

I check out. I can use some coupons. There’s almost always a free item included (paper towels, pop tarts, soap). Since I always buy at least $150 of groceries, thanks to all those kids, I get my delivery free about 99.9% of the time. If it’s not free, it costs about $10.

And then, at the scheduled time, an earnest young man appears and delivers the groceries to my door. If I’d like, he will don booties and bring the groceries to my kitchen table.

It doesn’t get any better than this. For one, I loathe grocery shopping with a passion. For two, I am not subjected to impulse shopping. For three, the time it would take to do all this crap myself is worth way more than $10. For four, the nice folks at Safeway do at least a good a job as sending Dad, Interrupted, who will buy roughly $75 worth of impulse groceries every time he goes to the store. For five, DI doesn’t like going to the store and complains if it becomes a weekly chore. For six, I don’t see why I should have to do the shopping on top of meal planning, grocery list development, and meal preparation. Which puts six at an impasse with five, but make no mistake about it: I win all confrontations regarding food.

So let’s just say I’m a fan of the concept.

I am mystified by one thing: the substitution principle. The way it works is that you give the Safeway ‘picker’ instructions about subbing, as in no substitution (if you don’t have it, don’t send anything); same brand, different size; different brand, same size…that kind of thing.

The Safeway pickers do a good job with this, with some notable exceptions. To wit:

I order Sunsilk anti-flat shampoo. I get Sunsilk anti-flat leave-in conditioner.

Huh? I mean, I can see sending another shampoo. If I order *shampoo,* I need a product that will remove dirt and other detritus (don’t judge me) and thus, if you’re going to send me something that meets that need, one would presume that it would be a shampoo.

As it turns out, the anti-flat leave in product is pretty good, and I’m happy to have found it. Which makes me wonder if the picker knows me better than I know myself, and after more than four years of buying my groceries for me she just might.

True, almost-related story: one day the delivery guy commented, as he was unloading our Pile o’ Groceries, “The picker told me she really enjoys filling your order, because it’s more interesting. There’s lots of stuff, and it always changes.”

I will take my validation wherever I can get it.

To answer frequently-asked questions about Safeway’s grocery delivery:

– They do a pretty good job with fresh produce. At least as good a job as DI, without the impulse booze buys.

– Delivery is almost always on time. You can pick a two- or four-hour windows.

– They also do a good job on picking out meat.

– Sometimes stuff is not offered online that I know is available in the store where my groceries come from. I cannot explain that.

– If I miss an order I’m surprised that Mr. Safeway doesn’t call and find out if I’m feeling okay.

– I’m not affiliated with Safeway in any way, nor do I profit if you use the service. In fact, if you live near me and use the service, you’re actually negatively impacting my delivery availability, so forget I mentioned any of this.