If you’re like me, your social media is filled with memes and bromides that give, on the face of it, really good advice. Here is an excellent example:

And this is just one of a bazillion I found when I google the phrase “loving yourself,” outside of some very graphic instructional videos. “Loving yourself” is very important, apparently. Did you know I can’t love someone else until I love myself first? The internet does and reminds me repeatedly of this.

So I would stipulate that the above statement is true, and so I will comply and love myself. But then I realize: what does ‘loving myself’ look like, outside of a very graphic instructional video? I know what it feels like to love someone, but I’ll be danged if I can summon that actual feeling for myself. 

I am reminded, however, that ‘love’ is a verb, and so I will concentrate on verbing.

I’m an analyst by trade and inclination. I pick stuff apart until it’s no longer alive, just so I can understand it and apply its lessons. I think I could benefit from the internet’s sage wisdom, but once I’ve accepted that this is a beneficial statement, I need to know what to do next.

So I decided to make a list of what it would look like to love someone else. I actually love some other people, so here’s my list*, in no particular order and with no guarantees of completeness:

1. Do stuff for them that makes their lives easier.
2. Think of things they’d like to do, and then arrange for those things to happen.
3. Offer to help if they’re having difficulties.
4. Look out for sad or uncomfortable anniversaries (death of a loved one, for example) and make sure they hear from you.
5. If charged with their care, see to their physical needs (good nutrition, exercise, sunlight, hydration).
6. Keep your promises to them.
7. Offer constructive advice when asked.

*If you’re someone I love, I may or may not be good at doing all these things. I’m trying.

So, if that’s what loving someone else actually looks like, then by the transitive property loving myself would look similar. Because I’m an analyst by trade and inclination, that will translate into a table, because there is nothing that you can’t solve with a good table.

If Loving Other People Looks Like This…	Then Loving Myself Looks Like This…	And Could Result In This Practical Application
Do stuff for them that makes their lives easier.	Thinking about my environment and setting it up to make my life easy. Avoiding procrastination by remembering to be kind to future Me and not leaving messes for future Me to clean up.	Decluttering. Paying bills on time. Opening the mail when I get it. Or find someone else who will do these things for you. Dad, Interrupted is the bomb at bills and mail. And I love him for it, so I do items 1-7 regularly for him.
Think of things they’d like to do, and then arrange for those things to happen.	Thinking about things I like to do, or want to do, and then working on making those things happen.	Planning and saving for trips to places I’d like to go. Buying books I’d like to read, and making sure I take time to read them.
Offer to help if they’re having difficulties.	If I’m having difficulties, asking myself what I would do for a friend in the same situation and then doing it.	I couldn’t figure out how to ‘love myself,’ so I made this table. Ask my friends: I do this all the time. Sometimes they get a database!
Look out for sad or uncomfortable anniversaries (death of a loved one, for example) and make sure they hear from you.	Remembering important dates for myself and making sure I give myself extra care on those dates as required.	Calendar reminders will save you from Godzilla rampages where you are upset and angry and you don’t know why.
If charged with their care, see to their physical needs (good nutrition, exercise, sunlight, hydration).	Take care of myself at least as well as I would my pet: quality food, regular walkies, keep the water dish full, regular grooming. This also means I am allowed to sit on the couch with impunity, apparently.	Plan meals. Find exercise you like (I can make a flow chart for you if you’d like). Set a timer to fill up your water bottle. Death row inmates get to shower at least every 48 hours; you deserve at least that. Sit on the couch and shed copiously.
Keep your promises to them.	Scheduling good things to do and then actually doing them, without letting other people’s priorities overwrite them. Identifying things I need to do for my health and well being, making plans for doing them, and then sticking to the plans. Don’t miss appointments with yourself, for health (exercise) or fun (reading that book you’re dying to finish) any more than you would skip a planned lunch date with your bestie.	I wouldn’t blow off my child’s physical therapy, so don’t blow off my exercise schedule. [I almost wrote ‘blow off my appointment with my trainer’ but I did not intend for this to be a humor column.]) A practical tip about reading: if you’re really busy you may think you don’t have time to read, but you may just need to re-think what ‘sitting down to read’ looks like. Before I had kids, ‘sitting down to read’ meant ‘reading until I had finished the book.’ Because I couldn’t do that easily with kids and jobs, reading fell by the wayside. If you transform that to ‘read for a half hour every day,’ then you can still honor a beloved habit.
Offer constructive advice when asked.	“Why can’t you stick to anything, you lazy slob?” is not constructive. “What’s keeping you from honoring your promise to yourself?” is. Challenging yourself is loving yourself, but being rude is not.	Questions like “are you satisfied with your effort?” are challenging, supportive, and helpful. You can then follow up with ways to make effort easier. The problem is never my worth as a person; it’s always a problem with the quality of my systems.

And there we have it. Actual things I can do to ‘love myself.’ Your mileage may vary, so plan accordingly.

© E. Stocking Evans 2023