Just don’t.

Because if you do say it, no matter what, I can almost guarantee that it’s going to be offensive, if not to me, than to someone else. If I’m to believe what I’m reading these days, everyone on this planet bruises like a peach because there’s always someone with their knickers in a constant twist.

As it turns out, the Internet is just jam-packed with lists of statements that we’re not supposed to make to (insert your own special interest group here), lest we tread on their tender sensibilities. Some of these are either glaringly obvious, legitimate, common knowledge, or all of the above. For example, thanks to the immortal Dave Barry we all know that you don’t ever-ever-ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless a baby is emerging from her at that very moment.

Of course, that’s just exercising good survival instincts.

But since the Politically Correct Police are not satisfied with letting us employ the umbrella policy of Just Don’t Be A Jerk, we are now commanded to commit to memory What Not To Say To: graphic designers, feminists, school teachers, people with illnesses you can’t see, expatriates, our pets and … well. Let’s just say the list is comprehensive.

There’s an entire Subculture of Potential Offense around parenting: we must mind what we say to childless people (not to be confused with child free people, and there is also list of what not to say to people who do not know the difference between the two), people who are trying to conceive, women in labor, new parents, parents of only one child, parents with many children, and of course, children themselves. There’s a list of what not to say to a bride one month before her wedding, not to be confused with the list of what not to say to her the day of the wedding, and certainly not to be confused with what not to say to a newlywed. Hint: Nothing with the word “bed” in it. And no winking. Ever.

And today, heaven forfend that you be so careless as to let someone videotape your ill-advised words, because then you will truly come to understand the meaning of the word “viral” when there are people in New Zealand who know that you didn’t pay attention to your Lists of Stuff Not To Say and you’re getting shared relentlessly and unforgivingly on Facebook.

What ever happened to the bad old days when we said stuff and if it was the wrong thing to say we were skewered with an icy glare and pursed lips and then we were shunned for a while until we figured it out and made a fervent apology?

What has happened to us? Have we forgotten that if we look for offense in everything we are going to surely find it? That if a coworker says, “Wow, you look great!” it doesn’t automatically mean that we normally look hideous? Can’t we get points for good intentions, or are they only used as a popular paving material to hell?

This is a lot to remember, and I promise I’ll try my best. In the meantime, please be on the lookout for the list of What Not To Say To Someone Who Cannot Have An Unguarded Conversation.

We’re gonna need it.

• Ahwatukee Foothills resident Elizabeth Evans can be reached at elizabethann40@hotmail.com.

© E. Stocking Evans 2015