My brain is melting in so many different places I don’t even know where to start, so I’ll just do this in a more traditional, linear format, and without any dumb puns…

First, I read that there’s an iPhone app aimed directly at men who want to track their woman’s cycles, so they can avoid them (the woman, not the cycles, or maybe both). And maybe predict when they’re more apt to get lucky, by highlighting likely ovulation times.

(As it turns out, a woman can in fact obtain an app that helps predict the onset of menstruation, which is actually a very helpful tool if you’ve ever had to stand at your sink swearing while you rinsed out whatever got nailed when you forgot to check your calendar. Of course, a REALLY handy app makes sure you have a stock of supplies in your purse, but that’s for another day…)

But Code Red is actually aimed at men, and was developed by a married couple. The wife felt that it was a good thing to give her poor spouse a tool to use to deal with her (and these are her words) ‘trying to scratch his eyes out every month.’

More melty parts of my brain here.

Seriously: if I find myself hitting a boiling point (and in the spirit of true disclosure, I must tell you now that PMS for me has distilled down to one 24-hour event every month I fondly refer to as “Homicide Day”) I ask myself one question:

“Is violence really justified here?”

Because if it is, it doesn’t matter if my hormones are shouting at me. In fact, hormones exist for a reason, folks, and one of them is to help me to respond to situations appropriately. And yes, when I come home from work at 8 p.m. to find that no one started dinner, well, maybe some eyes should feel a little threatened.

But if, on reflection, I discover that violence isn’t the answer, I calm myself down. And maybe go find a salt lick. Or some chocolate. Or some chocolate-covered pretzels. Whatever works. But I definitely do not give my family a tool so they can hide from me faster.  Or, heaven forfend, give them a tool so they (it’s only me and the men at this point) can open their fool mouths and ask knowingly “if it’s that time of the month again.”

So, while I was researching this, I stumbled upon something even worse: yet another app that helps with this whole ‘man planning around periods’ genre, but with a twist! It helps Don Juan juggle multiple women’s cycles!

Words have failed me, much the way my OB Ultra Tampons failed me last week. Thank goodness I was wearing black pants.

Note: there were more recent articles about this phenomenon, but none that were so funny.